What Really Happens At The G8
June 6th, 2007
Deconstructing the G8 timetable...
Thursday 7 June 2007
0930: Official welcome of G8 heads of state and government
“Velcom to Gerrrrmeny! Ve vill hav verk and fun too, ja.” Merkel sings David Hasselhoff's "Looking For Freedom". "He liberated us from communism, you know," she explains to a baffled Bush, who asks if Pamela Anderson is a member of G8.
1000: Working session for G8 heads of state and government
Growth and responsibility in the global economy, aka 'Does my bum look big in this?' / "Heiligendamm process" (followed by burgers and vodka).
Turn off the cameras, close the doors. The heads of state (and government!) talk about their favourite colours. Blair agrees with all of them. Afterwards they practise pronouncing Heil-igng-in-DAMNIT!
1200: Family photo of G8 heads of state and government
Everybody smiles like Borat. Bush grabs Merkel’s ass. The guy from Canada is asked to step aside.
1215: Meeting of G8 heads of state and government with young people from the J8 summit
Sarkozy chats up eleven "young people." Putin hides under a tree away from satellites. The young people go back to the kitchen in search of drinks.
1315: Working luncheon for G8 heads of state and government
Current foreign policy issues discussed over a game of snap. Winners fight it out in a game of thumb war. "Yo Sarko! You be my new best buddy," says Bush, as he chokes on a pretzel.
1430: Opportunity for bilaterals / Chat up interns (masterclass by former US president Bill Clinton)
1600: Working session for G8 heads of state and government
Climate change and energy efficiency chat, followed by burgers grilled over light sweet crude oil. As Blair gets up to make his valedictory speech, all the other G8 heads go to the toilet except Merkel - who has fancied the pants off him since day one.
1930: Working dinner of G8 heads of state and government
New impetus for the Doha Development Round, followed by more burgers. Putin is caught sprinkling polonium in Bush's glass. The ambulance is called for Prodi. False alarm: he just looks like a corpse.
2130: Digestifs and opportunity for bilaterals
The interns return and on Bush’s command everyone has to take off their pants. Abe, the Japanese PM, is wearing a kimono underneath. The guy from Canada is asked to leave. Blair is offered a box of Preparation H.
2359: Lights out
image source: net efekt
